Take the Man!
by TheCrazyStar
Summary: Flack is stalked and kidnapped by a crazy teen head-over-heels for him. Will Flack be able to survive the insanity in store for him?
1. Take the Man!

**So, an explanation is probably needed for the craziness you are about to endure. I wrote this story for my best friend who loves Flack. After a new episode aired, the next day at school she wouldn't shut up about how "fine" Flack was last episode. We always joked about her kidnapping him, so I decided to let her get away with it in this story. No, I was not under the influence of anything while writing these (it's a trilogy), just needed sleep and wanted to convey how crazy my friend really is. **

**Helen, these are for you. **

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WARNING: This story contains harmless violence, mugging, meaningless crack, mountains of food being consumed and Flack in mortal peril. Story not for the faint of heart. Viewer discretion is advised. If you are still scarred by this story after three weeks, please contact your doctor. Something may be very wrong with you.

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Take the Man!

Donald Flack Jr. was being stalked.

Well, he felt like he was anyways. He wasn't certain. He hadn't really _caught_ his so-called stalker and bluntly asked, "Hey! You stalkin' me?" or anything. It was just an assumption.

Why make an assumption without any clear evidence? Especially when the person is a _detective_? Well, if you walk out of your apartment each and every day to find a figure in a black trench coat waiting under a tree across the street, and then said figure _follows_ you to work, you'd probably think you were being stalked too, wouldn't you?

So why not just turn around and ask the person what their problem is?

Good question. And truthfully, Flack really didn't know why he hadn't stopped the person yet. Perhaps he liked the feeling? Maybe it made him feel like a celebrity?

Of course with all the crazy stories he's heard from being a cop in NYC—what with all the random people following other random people just to pull a gun on them and shoot them in the end—he thinks he'll just let this crazy follow him for a while longer. It's not like they're doing him any harm.

Except playing with his mind and slowly causing him to lose his sanity…

XxXx

"What's the word?" Danny asked one day as he walked onto their newest crime scene in Central Park.

When he received no response, he looked up to find Flack just standing above him and squinting off into the distance. Quirking an eyebrow, Danny questioned him.

"Yo Don!" he shouted. "You okay?"

Flack shook his head and looked down at his partner and friend. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he reassured, looking back out into the distance just in time to see what he thought was his stalker leap off into the distance. "Just thought I saw somebody I knew."

"Well we _are_ in Central Park, it'd be a miracle if you _didn't_ see somebody you knew," Danny responded. He then turned his attention back towards the vic. "Now, what's the story with this one?"

XxXx

If there was anyone in the world Flack trusted more than himself, it was Stella Bonasera. He told her everything that was worth telling and she in turn did the same for him. That's why he sought her out in the lab one day and pulled her aside.

"You were stalked once, right?" he asked seemingly out of the blue.

Stella raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but it just turned out to be Mac's step son, Reed. Why?"

"'Cause I think I'm being stalked now too."

Stella made a move to start laughing, but then caught the panic in Flack's eyes.

"You're not kidding are you?" she asked.

"When do I ever kid you?"

Stella just stared at him.

"Wait, don't answer that," he said. "What did you do to figure out it was Reed?"

"Mac acted like a maniac and chased him through the streets, slammed him up against a wall and threatened him," she responded.

"Yeah, I think I'll figure out who it is a different way," Flack muttered.

"Why would someone want to stalk you?" Stella questioned more to herself than anyone.

"Why wouldn't you stalk him?" a random female lab tech asked. "He's _hot_!"

Flack just blinked and Stella snickered.

"Do you know if it's a man or a woman stalking you?" Stella then asked.

"No idea," Flack answered. "They always have on a trench coat and a black hoodie."

"What about shoes?"

"Sneakers," he responded. "White; so they could belong to a man or a woman."

"A guy could stalk him too. There are plenty of men on the other side of the fence here if you know what I mean!" the random lab tech said again, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Would you stay out of this?" Flack yelled to her. "This doesn't concern you!"

"It can if you want it to," she replied in a seductive tone.

Flack just freaked out. "Get the hell outta here!"

The lab tech gave him a flirtatious wave before winking and skipping gaily down the hall of the lab away from the two befuddled friends.

"That's it," Flack grumbled. "I'm a' go talk to Mac and get that girl fired. You wouldn't happen to know her name would you?" he asked the mass of curls beside him.

"For some reason I think her name is Maria, but I'm not sure," Stella said.

"Well Maria Crazy-In-The-Head might want to start searching for a new day job if I have anything to say about this," Flack stated as he stalked off towards Mac's office.

XxXx

"You're crazy, you know that right?" a voice could be heard from a tree.

"You have no idea…" a girl in a trench coat responded back, looking up into the tree; a tree which just happened to be right across the street from the tall skyscraper on the corner of 5th and Broadway.

"No, I do have an idea," the voice from the tree spoke again. "And you're very creepy too."

The girl in the trench coat sighed. "Just shut up."

"Why are you down there anyway? You get a much better view from up here!"

"Hey!" Trench Girl shouted. "You better not be stealin' peeks at _my_ man!"

"And what if I am?"

"I'll go to your house and steal _all _your food!"

"You better not!"

"Don't make me!"

"Come up here and say it to my face!"

A door opening across the street deterred Trench Girl from making a smart comment back.

"Hey, shut up. He just walked out," she snapped.

"Then are we moving in?" Tree Girl asked.

Trench Girl nodded. "You got all the stuff right?"

"Yup. The rope, gag, wagon, sock full of lead, unicorn and Oreos are all stashed away in the trunk."

Trench Girl grinned—quite creepily at that—and then took off across the street. "Great! Let's go!"

"Hey! Wait for me!" Tree Girl shouted as she tumbled out of the tree. Quickly stealing a lollipop from a sleeping baby, she took off after her accomplice.

XxXx

Flack had left for his lunch break. He decided that just going to the diner down the street wouldn't do him any harm even if he was being stalked.

And speak of the devil…

Flack heard tires squeal behind him and looked over his shoulder and saw a three car pile-up in the intersection behind him. A black Lamborghini was the only survivor and was now inching behind him. Flack thought the Lamborghini looked suspicious, and it wasn't just because spray-painted on the side of said car was: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE BLACK LAMBORGHINI FOLLOWING YOU!

He shook his head and just continued his walk. He knew stalkers just wanted attention. If they didn't get any, they eventually left their stalkees alone.

The Lamborghini then sped up to where it was right in front of him in the street. Flack noticed that on the rear fender of the car, another message was spray-painted. It read: FOLLOW US! WE HAVE CHEEEESE!

Flack couldn't help but lick his lips. He did love cheese. Especially when they were cut up into those cute little cubes and came with a nice bottle of a '94 Pinot Noir.

He shook his head. Now that was going too far. There was no drinking on the job and if Flack had learned anything in school it was not to take candy from strangers. And yes, he considered cheese to be a candy.

But he couldn't help but wonder, _What kind of cheese do they have?_

In response to his thought, a sign fell down over the license plate on the Lambo. It read: GOUDA.

"Okay, my mind's made up!" Flack said to himself. He couldn't resist Gouda cheese. It was his second love, coming up short to Mr. Fluffykins the teddy bear back at his apartment.

Not knowing the horrors of what awaited him, Flack followed the shiny car into the nearest alley. The thought of Gouda cheese made his mouth water.

Too bad he never got any…

XxXx

"Omigod, I can't believe he fell for it!" he heard a voice cry out in amusement.

"Yeah, what a queertard!"

Silence.

"Sorry, your word, not mine…"

Flack groaned as he tried to open his eyes.

"Hey! He's coming to!"

"W-where am I?" he asked, still only able to see darkness in front of him.

"In a dark alley where no one can hear you scream."

Well, _that_ was a wake-up call.

"I hope you know I'm a cop, and you two are facing five to twenty-five years of prison for abducting an officer," he told them.

"Yeah, yeah we know," one figure responded back. "We're not concerned about that."

"Why?" he couldn't help but ask.

"We have our connections," the other one responded.

"Oh, well _that_ doesn't make me suspicious," Flack replied back, sarcasm dripping from his tongue.

"Good, nothing to worry about then."

Flack seriously wanted to hit these two… _thugs _didn't seem to be the right word.

"Okay, now that we have him at out command, you can leave," one figure said to the other.

"'Kay. I'll go turn in our job applications at the lab then," the other said.

Flack listened as the footsteps died away.

"Now it's just you and me!"

"Are you my stalker?" Flack asked.

"Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize!" the voice—Flack determined was female—exclaimed.

"Why are you stalking me and what are you planning to do with me?"

"I'm stalking you because I want you and now that I have you, we'll just go about our daily lives."

"Huh?"

Flack felt pressure being taken away from his face and then suddenly he could see again. The first thing he saw was a girl with black hair holding a blindfold in her hand and grinning at him.

Oh, so that explained why he couldn't see.

The next thing he noticed was the large white horse he was sitting on with the girl. And the horn protruding out of the animal's head.

"Wait, what the hell?" Flack shouted. "Are we sitting on a unicorn?"

"You're really smart aren't you?" the girl asked.

"But unicorns aren't real!"

The 'unicorn' whinnied and the girl immediately shushed it.

"Hey! You're hurting Rhubarb's feelings!"

"Rhubarb?"

The girl giggled before saying, "That's my unicorn's name."

"Am I on some drug?" Flack asked.

"Dunno," the girl shrugged. "It could be the effect of the chloroform."

"Chloroform?"

"Yes, very good!" the girl exclaimed. "Would you like a cookie?"

Flack suddenly found a box of Oreos being thrust towards him.

"Umm… are they poisoned?"

"No! My crazy friend brought them," the girl told him. "She always has to have food with her, otherwise she won't shut up."

"Ummm…. Who are you?" Flack asked.

"My name is Helen and I am now your master!" she then let out a maniacal laugh and somewhere in the distance Flack saw lightening flash.

"Who was the other girl?"

"That was Jade; the food-lover," Helen replied. "She helped me capture you."

"Ookaay…" Flack mumbled. _I must really be high or something,_ he thought. _Is this girl for real?_

Suddenly a beep sounded and Helen pulled out her phone. She read the text message, laughed, wrote back and then turned her attention back towards Flack.

"Time to go," she said simply.

"Time to go where?" Flack asked, a hint of fear in his voice.

"Back to work, of course! The job of a cop never stops!"

"What?"

Helen sighed. "Never mind. Rhubarb will take you back to work," she said.

She then hopped off the unicorn. "Just follow me Rhubarb."

Rhubarb whinnied and then snorted.

"Hey, hey wait!" Flack called. "Won't I fall of this thing?"

"Nope. Not with the ten yards of rope wrapped around you," Helen replied, getting into the _driver's seat_ of the Lamborghini.

Oh. So that explained why he couldn't move his arms or legs.

The engine to the Lamborghini revved before it shot out of the alley, Rhubarb close on its tail. Flack screamed as the unicorn ran out into traffic. Immediately all eyes were on him. Well, probably on the unicorn more than himself, but it still felt weird.

"Mommy look at the unicorn!" a little girl squealed.

"Oh no," the mother sighed before turning to her husband. "Mark! The therapy didn't cure Katie's delusions!"

"That's not my fault!" the husband—Mark—yelled back.

Before Flack knew it, they were in the parking garage of the lab. Helen got out of the car after parking—and taking out five cars and a pole while doing so—and tied Rhubarb up to the fender of the car. She then got up on the unicorn, pushed Flack off it and he fell with a _thud!_ into the bright red wagon waiting for him.

"Now," Helen started, "Off to work we go!"

She then started pulling Flack and the wagon to the elevators.

_Oh great_, Flack thought. _Just think of all the attention I'll get once we get up to the lab. What will Danny think? And Stella? And I bet Mac will fire me!_

The elevator dinged at them and Helen tugged the wagon in with her.

"What floor?"

"35th," he mumbled back.

She pushed the corresponding button and they began their lift, Flack watching the numbers flash by miserably. He was inching towards his doom.

_Please don't let anybody on, please don't let anybody on._ He thought to himself over and over again.

Too bad his prayers weren't answered as the elevator dinged at them again once reaching the 17th floor.

A man in a lab coat got on. He looked down at Flack and made a face which made his mustache literally turn upside down, and then looked to Helen.

"New pet?" he asked, and Flack wanted to shoot himself right then and there.

Helen nodded her head all too enthusiastically. "Yup! His name is Fido!"

The man nodded and smiled sweetly. "That's very nice," he said.

He then pushed the emergency stop button, opened the elevator door by himself and jumped down into the shaft.

"Queertard," Helen mumbled as the elevator started up again.

They reached the 35th floor all too soon for Flack. The doors opened to reveal another girl with short blonde hair that Flack assumed must be Jade.

"Here's your ID," Jade said as she handed Helen a card very similar to Flack's saying they were members of this lab… and Mac's team.

_Oh no…_ Flack groaned in his head.

"Ready to go meet everyone?" Jade asked.

"Yup!" Helen replied, pulling Flack with her out of the elevator.

As he was being pulled through the hallways, Flack counted how many people turned their heads to look at the captive. The only person who didn't was Smithy, but he was strange himself, so that explained everything.

"Woooooooowww," a female voice cut in. "How'd you get yourself into this one, Don?"

Flack looked up and confirmed one fear when he saw Stella standing above him.

"I told you I was being stalked," he bit back to her. "That's," he jerked his head to Helen, "my stalker. And that's her accomplice," he jerked his head towards Jade.

Stella blinked.

"Nice to meet you girls!" she greeted. "You new?"

Jade was the first to speak. "Yup, we just joined today!"

"Great! We're always looking for new workers! Welcome to the team!"

Flack just looked at her like she had grown another head. She wasn't going to help him?

"Hey, Mac the new recruits are here!" she then shouted behind her.

"We don't have any new recruits," his deep baritone voice replied back.

"MAC!" Jade squealed before running to him and tackling him to the ground in a hug.

"Get off me!" Mac yelled at her, but Jade's grip held strong.

Stella just laughed.

"Stell, get her off me!" Mac ordered.

Jade then let go and helped pull Mac to his feet.

"Sorry about that," she apologized. "I got carried away."

"Obviously," Mac retorted, staring down at her like she was some kind of disease.

"Ummmm… not to be rude, but will someone please help me?" Flack spoke up from the wagon.

Mac raised an eyebrow. "Flack? What are you doing?"

"Hey, I didn't get here on my own free will, believe me."

"These girls were stalking him," Stella filled him in and Mac actually cracked a smile at that.

"Actually, Helen was, I was just along for the food," Jade said, grinning like a freak.

"Yeah, it was my idea," Helen said proudly.

"I see…" Mac replied, before pulling Stella to the side.

"Who are they again?"

Stella shrugged. "I don't know, but they work here now apparently."

Mac clicked his tongue. "If you excuse me, I'm going to go jump out my window."

"Can I push you?" Jade yelled.

"Um, no," Mac said before taking off down the hallway and leaving a whirlwind of papers behind him.

Jade slumped and turned to Helen.

"How come you get the guy?" she asked.

"'Cause I'm _amazing_," Helen said smugly. "I'm the star—literally—so I get the man."

Jade just frowned and pulled out a box of Oreos. "I hate my life," she muttered.

"I hate mine more," Flack piped in.

"Only 'cause you're a captive," Helen said. "You'll get used to it."

"Yeah," Jade grunted. "Just look at what happened to your other captives…"

"What happened to them?" Flack asked, wanting to know his fate.

"They ended up sewn into her couch," Jade said bluntly.

"My sister did that, not me!" Helen shot back.

Flack then fainted.

XxXx

Flack shot up in his bed. His chest was heaving, he was sweating profusely and his hair was tousled. He glanced around at his surroundings. He was in a bedroom. _His_ bedroom to be exact.

"It was all a dream?" he mumbled to himself. "That horrible nightmare wasn't real?"

His phone rang and he answered it. It was Danny saying they had a lead on their case and he was coming to pick him up. Flack hung up and grinned.

It _was_ all just a dream! He was safe! He wasn't being held captive by a crazy teenager and Mac didn't commit suicide. He _knew_ there was no such thing as unicorns!

"It was just a dream!" he shouted in pure bliss.

"Well… not exactly," a voice interrupted.

Flack quickly turned on his bedside lamp and screamed.

There were the two girls from his nightmare, sitting at the foot of his bed, rope slung over Helen's shoulder and Jade swinging a heavy looking sock around.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Take the Man **_**The Freakquel**_** coming soon. Please don't waste your time leaving flames. You were warned this story was pointless and full of crack.**


	2. Take the Man 2! The Freakquel

WARNING: This story contains _even more_ meaningless crack, _even more_ mountains of food being consumed, _even more_ of Flack in mortal peril, shirtless men, and total retardation. If the first story left you scarred for all eternity, this story may just kill you. Viewer discretion is again advised. If you die, please contact your doctor, the result of death may be fatal.

Take the Man! _The Freakquel_

After waking up to find two teenaged girls at the foot of his bed, Flack realized he had two options: Jump out his 9ft tall apartment building, or accept his fate at the hands of the two teens who _really_ belonged in a loony-bin. Obviously the first option was out—he was too young and attractive to die just yet—so he decided he'd just have to accept his fate. Really, what could they possibly have in store for him that was so horrible?

"_**MARRIAGE?"**_ he balked one day after Helen had brought up the idea.

"Yup!" Helen replied. "You're my captive and therefore you have to obey my every command!"

"But I'm so much older than you!"

"So?"

Flack blinked. "Doesn't that creep you out?"

"Hey, she's the creeper," Jade spoke up while rifling through Flack's fridge. "She doesn't get creeped out, she does the creepin'."

"Oh."

"So basically you're stuck with the idea," Jade told him, finishing a box of Oreos and pulling another out of her hammer space.

Flack blinked. "Do you always eat so much?"

Jade just nodded, her mouth full of cookie goodness.

"And you still manage to stay in shape?"

Jade nodded again. "No exercise either," she replied after swallowing.

"Huh."

"Hey!" Helen butted in. "No talking with _my _man!"

"Well what am I supposed to do?" Jade asked. "The rest of the men here aren't anything like he is! One's old, one's married and one's scruffy and nerdy!"

"Not my fault," Helen shrugged.

Jade slumped and ate more Oreos, Flack sneezed and Helen grinned creepily (like always).

The next day, Helen and Jade went back to the lab for 'work'. Helen tied Flack up in the closet of her office and had Rhubarb guard the door. Helen was actually doing some work at her desk ignoring Flack's screams while Jade was busy thinking of a way to either make Mac younger, have Danny get a divorce, or get Adam to shave his beard and be more 'cool'. So far all her attempts had failed.

After screaming for three hours straight, Flack ran out of breath finally and gave up. He banged his head against the wall, cursed, and then started hyperventilating. He was running out of air.

Helen heard the loud gasps for breath coming from within the closet and sighed.

_"Guess I better let him breathe before he dies on me,"_ she thought. _"No wonder my parents won't let me have any pets."_

She opened the door and Flack—who had been busy banging on the door to get out—fell out on top of her. Flack looked scared while Helen didn't seem to mind.

"Hi there," she quipped.

Flack got up quickly and made a dash for the door, but Rhubarb blocked his way. The unicorn reared up on its hind legs and whinnied loudly scaring Flack and causing him to retreat to a dark corner in the office.

Upon hearing the whinny, Mac barged into the office, knocking Rhubarb over in the process.

He stared at the white horse with a horn for several moments before downing ten cups of coffee in half a second and taking several aspirin.

"I don't believe unicorns are allowed in the lab," he grumbled.

"But he's a suspect!" Helen came up with quickly,

"Uh huh, sure," the ex-Marine mumbled back.

"It's true!"

Mac just shook his head and said, "Just keep it from making any noise," before stalking out of the office.

"That's what you get for never sleeping," he heard Stella say as he walked past.

He shot her a glare before being tackled to the ground yet again by Jade. She had found some 'anti-aging' cream and was trying to get him to put it on. Mac called security and she was quickly dealt with. Mac pulled himself back up before continuing his way back to his office; and Stella didn't miss him stash the anti-aging cream away in his pocket.

Back in the office that was now dubbed "The Chamber of Torture" as far as Flack was concerned and "The Chamber of The Crazy One" as far as Mac was concerned. Everyone else just called it Helen's office. It was easier to say, plus, they weren't much for creativity. Anyway, back in Helen's office, she had Flack tied to her chair as she scrolled down a list of churches to have their wedding in.

"Seriously, are we gonna get married?" Flack asked, hoping this was some insane joke or a dream again.

"As long as the cops don't catch me!" Helen replied.

"I _am_ a cop," Flack said.

"No, you're a _captive_, get it right!"

Flack sighed. "I can easily call my buddies and have you arrested."

Helen then threw Flack's cell phone out the window where it caused a 42-car pile up at the intersection below.

"What about Mac and the others?" Flack questioned. "They can arrest you too, you know."

"Meh, Jade has all that taken care of," Helen said, now scrolling through a catalogue of wedding dresses and matching tuxes. "Oooohhh! I like that one! You'd look good in pin-stripe!" she squealed.

Flack smacked himself in the forehead. He must still be high off that chloroform—he still wasn't sure if all that had been a dream or not, but then if it hadn't, how had he wound up in his bed?

Flack shuddered at the ways he could've gotten there before quickly dismissing the thought.

He sighed. "Sure, pinstripe is fine…" he grumbled.

Helen cheered before purchasing said tux and matching dress. Flack noticed _his_ credit card number was being entered into the website.

"What the—? How'd you get my credit card?" he asked.

Helen smirked. "It's a mysteryyyyy!" she said in a—what was supposed to be—scary voice while wiggling her fingers his way.

The computer dinged at them to show the transaction was done. The purchase had been made.

"Thank you for your purchase," the computer said to them. "Your fate has been sealed."

Flack gulped. The voice from within the computer was right. His fate _had_ been sealed.

He was getting _married_. To a _psychotic_ teenaged girl.

"Help me," he squeaked.

Meanwhile, Jade had been wandering the streets of New York aimlessly. So far, she had encountered four muggers, two rabid dogs, one hobo, and a cuddly kitten she had named Ducky. She had turned the tables on the muggers and had gained _their _wallets, defeated the rabid dogs by going dog-catcher mode on them, and pick-pocketed a random stranger's wallet to give to the hobo. The kitten she kept. It was now purring on top of her hair as the unstoppable duo continued their way down the streets.

Helen and Flack were still on the computer planning their wedding.

Helen had drugged Flack's lunch so now he was excited to get married. The fact that he was marrying a 16 year-old girl didn't creep him out anymore.

"There!" Helen exclaimed, dusting her hands off. "Everything's planned. Now," she typed something else into the computer. "Pick out your unicorn."

"Pardon?" Flack asked.

"Pick out a unicorn," she repeated. "I have Rhubarb, you need one of your own for when we get married."

Flack quirked an eyebrow before looking at the computer screen. was pulled up. Flack stared at the computer screen for several hours before Helen told him to hurry up.

"If you don't pick one out, I will."

Flack sighed. "Go ahead," he told her. "They're not real anyway."

Offended once again, Rhubarb kicked Flack into the neighboring office.

Helen sighed at her husband-to-be's unconscious state before scrolling down to a Japanese looking unicorn, naming it Sooooooooyy! and purchasing it.

Afterwards, it was 7 o'clock in the evening, Helen knew Jade would be hungry. Knowing all the food was up here in the lab and Jade had been banned from it just hours earlier, she knew it was up to her to feed her. She put the still unconscious Flack back in his red wagon before pulling him back down through the hallway and to the elevator.

She sighed when she saw Smithy getting on as well. They stood in silence for a while, Helen staring at the extremely feminine man and wondering why in the world he kept denying he was gay. It was so obvious!

"Gay," Helen coughed under her breath.

"I am not!" Smithy yelled back at her though his voice betrayed him. Tears streamed down his face. He slumped into the corner and continued denying it while stomping his feet pitifully against the elevator floor. Helen just rolled her eyes.

Finally, the elevator reached the ground floor, Smithy bolted and Helen walked outside to find Jade in a catatonic state while staring at a hotdog vendor down the way.

"Hey!" Helen shouted at her though she didn't budge.

She sighed and tipped Jade over into the wagon. Ignoring the fact that the catatonic girl was on top of _her_ man as best she could, Helen made her way down the street into the nearest diner.

Flack awakened just as they were being seated. He tried moving, but found rope wrapped around him yet again. He sighed and looked across the table at the girl staring blankly ahead of her.

"Um… is she okay?"

Helen sighed. "Yeah, she just needs food. Once they put it down in front of her she'll snap out of it."

"She do that often?"

Helen gave him a look. "You have no idea."

Like Helen had said, a plate of French Fries was set down in front of Jade and she immediately lunged at the plate and began devouring the poor potatoes who never stood a chance. Flack looked at her like he was watching a cheetah tear the head off an antelope—it really wasn't all that different actually.

"So," Jade said between mouthfuls. "When's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow," Helen said.

"WHAT? You didn't tell me _that_!" Flack accused.

"Oh shut up, you'll be fine," Helen snapped back.

"Your dress and my tux won't get here in time," Flack said.

Suddenly a package fell through the ceiling of the diner and landed in the middle of the table. Spray painted on the side was: OH LOOK THE DRESS AND TUX ARE HERE!

Helen just grinned smugly at Flack. Flack, in turn, blinked.

"How do you do that?" he questioned.

"You don't want to know," Jade quipped from across the table.

Flack knew he probably didn't and let the matter drop.

They continued their dinner in silence until the bells above the door jingled to let everyone know someone new had entered and disrupt their dinner. Looking up instinctively, Jade grinned and disappeared in a flash, reappearing above the two new diners.

"CARMINE!" she shouted as she fell on top of one of the men.

Flack snickered as he realized the body under the blonde belonged to Danny.

"Who the heck is Carmine?" Danny questioned, not bothering to shove the girl off him like Mac had.

"_You're_ Carmine!" Jade replied.

"Um… no, I'm Danny Messer," Danny said back.

"Nuh-uhhhhh!" Jade said in a sing-song like voice. "Your name is Carmine Giovinazzo!"

"What kind of name is that?"

Jade looked up at him thoughtfully. "Good question," she said. "Ask your mother."

"But my mother named me Danny!"

"Your _other_ mother."

"I have another mom?"

Jade just nodded her head. Danny then realized she was still on top of him.

"Um… would you mind getting of a' me?' he asked.

Jade quickly got up, but didn't bother helping him up like she had with Mac. Once Danny was back up on his two feet, he looked the man beside him.

"Do you know what this girl's talkin' 'bout?"

"Nope," Danny's friend replied.

Jade then turned her attention to Danny's friend.

"Heh, you're name's Sheldon," she teased with a giggle.

"I know," Sheldon said back.

"That's a funny name."

"Thanks?"

"Your welcome!"

Jade then walked back to the table and went back to eating her fries. Danny and Sheldon looked at each other, raised their eyebrows until they disappeared into their hairline, shrugged, waved to Flack, and then went to sit at the bar.

Flack banged his head on the table. They weren't going to help him either.

Well… at least they hadn't said anything embarrassing.

"Wow, Flack. I didn't know you were such a lady's man!" Danny just _had_ to shout across the diner.

Flack just banged his head on the table again in order to knock himself unconscious again.

The wedding was the next day. Flack had butterflies in his stomach, Helen was singing about butterflies, and Jade had two butterflies in a jar which she was shaking rapidly.

"Are you _trying_ to kill them?" Flack just had to ask her.

"Yeah, it's what I do when I'm bored," she replied.

"You kill things?"

Jade shrugged. "That or burn something."

Flack took three steps away from her.

Helen walked back in the room and gasped.

"No, no, no!" she scolded to Flack. "You're not dressed right!"

Flack looked puzzled. "I'm in the tux you—_I_—bought," he said.

"But you're not wearing it right!"

"What?"

"She wants you to strip," Jade whispered to him.

"WHAT?"

"Just your shirt!" Helen told him as if it was going to calm him.

"Why?"

"She likes her men shirtless," Jade whispered again.

"WHY?"

"Don't question it just do it!" Helen snapped at him.

Flack sighed and took his tux jacket off as well as the dress shirt he wore under it. Jade then snatched them from him, set fire to them, and watched them burn.

"What was the point of buying that then?" Flack asked.

"You still get to wear the _pants_!" Helen said as if it solved everything. "Now come on, get on your unicorn and let's go or else we'll be late!"

On cue, a red, Japanese unicorn walked in the room next to Rhubarb. Flack's eyes doubled in size as his jaw dropped to the floor. That crazy kid in his second grade class had been right. You _can_ buy unicorns off the Internet.

Helen hopped on Rhubarb and Jade boarded a little pudgy pony. Flack stifled a laugh at the sight of the pitiful animal. Jade saw his look and sighed.

"Yeah, I got the retarded looking animal 'cause I'm not a _star_," she mumbled, shooting a glare at Helen that would make a WWE fighter cower.

"Come on!" Helen prodded, ignoring Jade's comment. "Get on Sooooooooyy! so we can go!"

"Um… what's its name?"

"Sooooooooyy!" Helen repeated, and the red unicorn whinnied.

"What kind of name is _that_?"

"Do you enjoy hurting the feelings of a unicorn?" Helen questioned.

Flack said nothing and climbed up on the freakish red horse.

Trumpets played in the background as the two unicorns and freak little pony stampeded out of the house and towards the church where happiness awaited one, peril and doom awaited another, and food awaited the last.

"Look we're the Three Musketeers!" Jade yelled in a giddy voice.

Helen sighed. "Way to ruin the moment…"

Once arriving at the church, Helen's family—at least Flack assumed that was who these random people were—ushered Flack to the alter, while Helen ushered herself to her dressing room to calm herself down. She couldn't believe all this had worked.

Jade walked in minutes later with a sandwich to try and calm her friend down.

"Just remember," she told her. "Don't trip, don't do anything to embarrass yourself in front of the whole world and you'll be fine."

"The whole world?"

Jade held up a video camera. "YouTube, baby!"

Helen sighed. "Well _that_ doesn't make me even more nervous," she mumbled.

"Good!" Jade then turned on the camera. "Wave!"

Helen glared instead. Jade got the point and fled the room.

Thirty minutes later, Helen was standing next to her dream man, looking jubilant and pleased with herself while Flack was looking downright scared. She looked out at all the people gathered and waved to her mom and Maria Crazy-In-The-Head. She then found Jade who was sitting in the first row, video camera at the ready. She also had a handcuff linking her and Mac—who looked _much _younger, yet still displeased—on her right wrist, another one linking her and Danny—Lindsay and Lucy were nowhere in sight—on her left wrist, and one more linking her and Adam—who had his beard shaved and was dressed in a leather jacket, jeans and shades—on her right ankle. She grinned and gave Helen the thumb's up. Helen rolled her eyes at her friend's stupidity.

Flack zoned out during the sermon, trying instead to figure a way out of this. He eyed all the windows around him and grinned.

"Do you, Helen Star—"

"That's not her last name!" Jade shouted. Helen threw her a cookie and she went silent.

"—take Donald Flack Jr. to be your husband?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"And do you, Donald Flack Jr. take Helen Star to be your wife?"

"I…" he started.

Helen grinned.

"… don't!"

The audience gasped in unison as Flack threw himself out the window. He fell unconscious upon impact with the ground—which had been four stories below… It was a tall church.

Flack shot up in his bed. His chest was heaving, he was sweating profusely and his hair was tousled. He glanced around at his surroundings. He was in a bedroom. _His_ bedroom to be exact.

Boy, this sounded familiar…

"Do I dare say it was all a dream?" he questioned out loud.

"Don't get your hopes up," a voice responded back.

Flack looked at the end of his bed and groaned. There, sitting at the foot of his bed _again_ was his supposed fiancé and her crazy friend. Helen was twirling a roll of duct tape around on her finger and Jade was holding the rope this time.

"WHAT THE—?" Flack screamed. "NOT AGAIN!"

* * *

**Take the Man! _The Freakish Conclusion_** **coming soon.**


	3. Take the Man 3! The Freakish Conclusion

**WARNING**: This story contains the last of the meaningless crack, the last of heaps of fattening foods being consumed, and the last of men running around shirtless. However, this story does include a new poor sap in mortal peril, as well as chocolate covered buff men with a side helping of strawberries. You have been warned. Luckily for you, this is the last installment. Survive this insanity and you can survive anything. Viewer discretion is advised for the last time. If this story makes you turn over in your grave… sucks to be you, but you can't contact anyone this time. Deal with it.

* * *

Take the Man! _The Freakish Conclusion_

A month had gone by without any activity by the freakish dynamic duo of Helen and Jade. Flack hadn't been stalked, kidnapped, or seen any unicorns since and was grateful that the higher powers up above had granted his wishes. No longer did he wake up in fear of seeing the two girls at the foot of his bed with some rope and a blackjack. No longer did he hear the annoying whinny of that Japanese unicorn Helen had forced Flack to let live with him.

He yawned and smiled when he got up one morning and still didn't see Helen and her unicorn—_Rhubarb_, he reminded himself—waiting for him and drooling over his well-defined abs.

Flack's phone rang and snapped him out of his merriment. He looked at the ID and saw it read 'Danny'.

"Messer, great news!" he greeted his friend.

"You sound cheery for 7 in the morning," Danny replied from the other line. "Your mother finally move out?"

"Very funny… she moved out yesterday, but that's beside the point," he said quickly. "The great news is that my stalker hasn't shown her face around here for over a month!"

"You mean that crazy who forced you to marry her and that wacko blonde who tackled me and called me Carmine?"

"Exactly the same, Danno!"

Danny smiled even though Flack couldn't see it. "Well, good. Perhaps Mac will finally resort back to his normal self."

Flack chuckled. "This ordeal really scarred him too, huh?"

"Yeah, pretty bad. Stell said he wouldn't come out of his office and when she finally dragged him out, he was shaking and mumbling something about blondes, too much food for a teenager to possibly consume, unicorns, and being held against his will."

"Guess he wasn't much better off than I was," Flack mused out loud. "So anyway," he cleared his throat. "What's the situation?"

"Oh, yeah. Well it's strange," Danny said, and Flack could hear the confusion in his voice. "Guy's not dead, but pretty shaken up."

Flack raised an eyebrow. "Robbery, kidnapping, what is it? We don't get called in for guys getting 'shaken up'."

"I dunno man," Danny replied. "I'm still on my way there. Mac was the one who called me."

Flack sighed. "Be there in ten…"

Flack pulled his cruiser up next to Mac's Avalanche exactly 10.089 minutes later and walked over to the boss man who was leaning against a wall looking rather haggard. He saw Danny talking to the "vic" behind him. Flack smirked.

"Even less sleep than usual?"

Mac glared at him. "Every time I close my eyes that girl comes flying at me and tackles me to the ground…"

"Hey, at least you weren't taken on a joy ride through Manhattan on a _unicorn_ or forced to marry a _sixteen year-old_ girl!"

Mac shuddered. "It was still horrible."

Flack simply smiled sympathetically at his friend before walking over to Danny and the short, plump man he was still speaking to.

"So, what happened?"

Immediately, the man launched into his tale. "I was walking to work when these… thugs pushed me into the alley. One held me at gunpoint while the other stuffed this letter into my pocket," he handed it to Flack. "Then they turned and left just like that. Well, they did shoot me. I expected it to hurt, but it just bounced off me. I looked down to see what in the world it was and saw it wasn't a bullet, but a dart. When I looked up… they were gone."

Danny, who had been analyzing the story carefully, finally spoke up.

"You were shot with a _Nerf gun_?" he asked, bewildered.

Plumpy shrugged. "I guess so."

"Where's the dart?"

Plumpy pointed behind him and Danny walked over to bag it. Meanwhile, Flack unfolded the note the man had received and read it. It was pure chicken scratch, decorated with stars, and took him a while to decipher, but by the time he was finished, he had broken out into a sweat.

The letter read:

_Bwahahahaha I am back! Oh yes, you're not out of the woods yet. I don't give up that easily. You still belong to me, you know—just check the bottom of your foot for evidence. I will hunt you down again and you _will_ end up mine! _

_ Love,_

_ Your favorite person in the world_

_P.S. Do you enjoy chocolate and strawberries?_

Flack gulped. It was his stalker. That crazy Mexican was back…

"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

When he was finished screaming in terror—it lasted five minutes—he reread the note. She told him to check the bottom of his foot for evidence he was hers? What was that all about?

Well, he had always been too curious for his own good and even gullible at times, why stop now?

Sighing, he sat down on the curb and pulled off his shoe and sock. Not knowing what to expect, he hesitantly turned his foot over.

_Property of Helen the Star_ was tattooed in the middle of a gigantic star…

"How did _that _get there?"

There were no leads in the case throughout the day, so Flack returned home early. Sitting down on the couch, he attempted to watch some educational television—meaning _Whose Line is it Anyway?_—but the letter from the morning haunted him. She said she'd be back for him. He wasn't safe here anymore…

"I think I'll go rent a hotel for the night…" he mumbled to himself before running to pack.

"Hey, what's the deal? He's _leaving_! He's not supposed to do that! That wasn't part of my genius plan?"

"Ummm… genius?"

"Shut it."

Two girls—guess who?—were perched up in a tree across the street from Flack's apartment. One had binoculars and was creeping on the poor detective and one was busy stealing acorns from a squirrel.

"So, what do we do now?" one asked after a squirrel attacked her and left with its acorns. "Knowing you, you probably have a plan B."

"Of course I do! How do you think I got here when the Rio Grande closed for the winter?"

"Beats me…"

"I stole a llama and rode it here!"

"Wow, you sure are dangerous…"

The girl spying sighed. "Why do I even bother to bring you along?"

The other smirked. "'Cause you absolutely adore me!"

"Sometimes I think I do too much…"

"That hurts…"

"Just eat your cookies and be happy."

A silence fell over the infamous duo—well aside from the constant crunching of Oreos—as they thought of their next move.

"Ooh! Here's a genius idea," Cookie Monster exclaimed. "Why don't we just follow him and see where he goes?"

"Why didn't I think of that?" the other muttered to herself. "Fine, let's go. He just left."

They climbed down the tree and waited in the shadows to wait for Flack to emerge across the street. He did and the two creepers smiled.

"There he is; let's go," Cookie Monster said.

"Right behind you… Oh, what's this?"

The other turned around. "What?"

The Stalker had her binoculars up to her eyes again as she said, "Hot guy, three o'clock." She lowered the binoculars and grinned. "Change of plans. Let's give poor Donny a break and go after this hunk instead."

"Fine with me," Cookie Monster shrugged. "I'm just tagging along to get inspiration for my stories… and because I don't want to be all alone."

After hopping and down giddily for a few seconds, The Stalker soon dashed off after her next victim.

"Hey, wait up!"

Josh Hartnett was simply strolling down the street minding his own business on this beautiful night in New York City. Having just come from a magnificent dinner at Burger King, he was now heading back to the luxurious hotel he was staying in. He had just made it to the parking lot of Comfort Inn when something hit him in the back of the head and he lost consciousness.

Stupid fan girls…

Flack was thoroughly surprised when he wasn't abducted overnight or didn't receive any more threatening letters the next morning. He shrugged it off. Perhaps his stalker was just suffering from short term memory lost and forgot all about her threat. That, or she finally decided to join Rhubarb and his friends in the Land of the Unicorns and Eternal Merriment.

Flack didn't care what the reason was, he was just glad he wasn't being targeted at the moment. He got dressed while humming a happy melody before heading down to the breakfast buffet at the Comfort Inn he was staying at. He grabbed a jelly doughnut and some Apple Jacks before finding a seat by the TV. He didn't pay it much attention until a story about a kidnapping came on the air. Being a cop, that made him look up.

"_Authorities are reporting that at approximately midnight last night, Josh Hartnett—famous for his mind-boggling body—was abducted in the parking lot of the Comfort Inn on Broadway…"_

Oh crap, that's where he was staying… It had to be connected.

_"…Police investigating the case say that there was no evidence left behind aside from a folded note and a dart from what police suspect to be a Nerf gun. Investigators believe this may be related to a threat another civilian received the night before last. The man from the previous case wasn't kidnapped, but was shot with a Nerf gun and handed a note. More details will be released when they are known. In other news… A polar bear and an elephant at the zoo are starting to get more than just friendly…" _

Wolfing down the rest of his breakfast, Flack quickly left the hotel and headed for the crime lab. He called Danny on the way.

"Danny, has anyone read the note left behind last night?"

"Um, no. Adam was just about to analyze it, though. Why?"

"Don't do anything to it yet. I need to read it," Flack told him. "I think the connection between the two cases is me."

With that he hung up and picked up his pace. He wanted to get there quickly. Why did he never carry money around for a cab?

Like an answer to his prayers he hadn't made, Flack heard a whinny behind him and cringed. He turned anyway and couldn't believe it when he saw a red unicorn charging at him down the street.

"Sooooooooyy!"

The unicorn nodded before picking Flack up and flinging him onto its back. It missed, however, and Flack went flying into a nearby dumpster. Sooooooooyy! quickly galloped over and waited for its master to pull itself up. It gave an apologetic snort before setting Flack on its back _gently_ this time.

"Well, at least I'll get to the lab faster," Flack sighed. "Um… yah? How do I get you to," he kicked its side and it leapt off nearly throwing Flack off again, "GOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, crap! Slow down you stupid pony, you'll get me killed!"

Sooooooooyy! complied and slowed to a quick trot. Flack sighed and passed out on its back.

After a very unwelcoming wakeup call by his "loyal" unicorn, Flack had finally made it upstairs to the lab. He walked into Danny's and Stella's office where they were in the middle of a coffee chugging contest.

"Uh, guys?"

Scared, Danny spit his coffee out on Stella, who then cussed at him in Greek before tackling him to the floor. Flack sweat dropped, snatched the letter from Danny's desk, and left quickly, leaving the two to wrestle on the floor.

Unfolding the letter, Flack began to read:

_Oooooh, now I kidnapped someone! I know you're a cop and I know how this works so here it goes: I'll release Josh Hartnett if you meet me at the following address at nine o'clock tonight. If not, I guess I can live without you. I mean, this guy is fine as well!_

_ Love,_

_ The Star_

Great. Flack knew he had to show up. He didn't want this innocent man to suffer the same horrible fate he had. He knew he was going to show up tonight like he was supposed to and he knew he was going to end up her captive again.

"If this is what fate had planned for me than so be it," he said to himself. "I'm a man! I'm a sexy man! I can deal with this!"

Ripping off his clothes to reveal a Superman costume beneath, heroic music began to play in the background as Flack jumped out the window and landed on Sooooooooyy! below.

It was eight-fifty-five and there was still no sign of Flack. Jade walked into the holding room to let Helen know. What she saw made her crack up, yet also creeped her out.

Josh Hartnett was suspended in mid air, shirtless, above a giant vat of chocolate. He was screaming and trembling in fear and Helen was sitting reading a book on animals in captivity.

"Hey! Get me down from here! I'm allergic to chocolate! If I touch that horrid stuff I'll swell! Then what? I won't be so hot anymore, huh?" Josh was screaming, swinging back and forth in his binds.

Helen ignored him and just threw a strawberry at his head. It hit him in squarely in the eye and he let out a cry of pain.

"And I hate strawberries! They make me twitch!"

Jade walked in further. "Um… it's five 'til nine," she told Helen watching their captive out of the corner of her eye. "You think he'll show?"

Suddenly the wall opposite of them exploded and out of the hole emerged a red unicorn, Flack in his Superman suit, and a band of trumpeters playing a march in the background. Jade shot darts from her Nerf gun at the band members and they quickly scattered. They sucked anyway.

Flack hopped off Sooooooooyy! and approached Helen and Jade.

"Release that man now," he stated calmly.

"Um, I think we had a deal, didn't we?" Helen asked. "You for him?"

"You let him go first," Flack said.

"Fine," Helen grumbled. "Jade, release Josh, but make sure you stuff his mouth full of strawberries while you're at it. He's getting awfully annoying."

"Sure thing, Zest," Jade replied, walking off to do her master's bidding.

Josh walked over to Flack, all the while twitching madly, his mouth full of the sweet fruit. Helen smiled.

"Okay, now you," she pointed to Flack and then by her side, "here. Now."

Flack sighed. Well, there was no escaping it. He walked over to Helen and soon found handcuffs linking them together.

"You," Helen pointed at Josh, "get out of here. You're no longer needed."

Josh didn't need to be told twice and immediately fled, still shirtless and only in his boxers.

Once alone, Helen jumped Flack and hugged him hard. "Now you're mine again! I'm so devious!"

"Yeah, whatever," Flack huffed.

Helen frowned. "You better improve your attitude mister. We'll have to work on getting you to love me."

He scoffed. "Don't count on it," he said.

Suddenly, he felt a slight ache in his shoulder and all of sudden, he was head over heels for the girl in front of him.

"You know what?" he said. "I don't think this will be so bad. You are amazing and I was just blind this whole time. Let's go live happily ever after, shall we?"

Helen merely blinked. "Well, that was weird, but what the heck! Sure!"

Arm in arm, they skipped off into the sunset to live a merry life together. Meanwhile, Jade just grinned and stashed her Nerf gun on her. Her mission here was done. Discarding the rest of the darts labeled "make any guy fall for you", she soon left the warehouse and robbed a Kroger of all its cookies. She too, lived happily ever after.

THE END!

(Finally)


End file.
